COLUMNISTS
Northern avoidance scheme
Last Updated Mar 2009
FOR reasons I’ll explain next week, I had to come up with ten things to avoid in the North of Ireland.
Now, I found it quite a difficult task but eventually came up with this working list:
1. You should avoid venturing up the Shankill Road wearing a Celtic top. This also apples to Irish Tricolours and Palestinian flags (Nationalists always support Palestine, Loyalists Israel).
2. The obverse also applies to journeying up the Falls Road in Belfast. Things to avoid: Rangers top, Union Jack, Star of David flag.
3. The University flatland area in Belfast, around University Street, Rugby Avenue etc — especially after closing time. Scenes of devastation not seen since the sack of Constantinople will assail you. Long-term residents have now formed an association to force university authorities to act.
4. The Elim Christian Centre, Alexandra Park Avenue, Tiger’s Bay, Belfast. Situated in one of the grimmest areas of north Belfast, this is an area sorely challenged by the ravages of drugs, unemployment and poverty. Despite this, it has been described as a Protestant Lourdes, a place of astounding miracles — but it’s actually more akin to those US Christian television channels where preachers work themselves up into a slavering rage over how much they love the Lord. Recently it claimed the credit for bringing back to life a dead man, which, should it prove true, is impressive enough.
5. Coleraine should be a lot more interesting than it actually is — it was here (or just up the road) that the first prototype Irish people arrived some 9,000 years ago. The prosperous town has therefore had plenty of time to come up with a bit of craic — but the reality is that after its numerous religious bookshops have shut down for the day at 6pm, the town is closed. Visitors are hardpressed to find anywhere decent to eat and, far worse, anywhere decent to drink. There’s not even a late-night religious bookshop for diversion.
6. BBC Radio Ulster of an afternoon. After the illuminating Talkback programme (from 12-2pm), it’s wall to wall country & Irish music with the odd bit of oul’ homespun craic. Excruciating stuff, which would have Darby O’Gill and his posse of leprechauns heading for England as fast as their little legs could carry them.
7. A Gaelic football match. Hurling yes, a national treasure, and well worth the effort to see a game (although it’s pretty thin on the ground up North). But Gaelic football, let’s be honest — it’s pretty dire, and more often than not merely consists of localities settling old scores with each other as violently as possible. Of course if you’re into that sort of thing...
8. The Giant’s Causeway during the height of the tourist season.Wait until a November’s Tuesday morning just after dawn.
9. Craigavon, Northern Ireland’s effort at creating a new capital for the region, a sort of Ulster Brasilia if you will. It didn’t work.
10. Any golf course with ‘Royal’ in its title — unless you’ve very deep pockets and an impressive handicap.
